How long does it take to bring a woman to climax?
Well, it depends, but if you’re really serious about doing it, and doing it right, you should be doing it for at least 20 minutes. That’s if you’re using your tongue, a certain way, in a sustained fashion, and hitting the right spots. And yes, I said spots. Because there’s more than just one zone you should shoot for, and they’re not all between her legs. Of course, anyone who’s an expert in the four-spot-method will be familiar with that ...
Ok. I’ll rewind.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Have you heard of the A-Spot, the O-Spot and the Deep Vaginal Erogenous Zone? Are you familiar with the four-spot method? Do you enjoy orgasms that last? Do you enjoy orgasms at all?
If you’re a straight woman, chances are you’re less likely to report orgasming as much as the men you have sex with. There is, unfortunately, less research on lesbians, but I’m going to assume they’re perhaps a little more satisfied than many of their hetero sisters. Even so, I wonder whether lesbians are any more informed than straight men and women about the various yum-buttons mentioned above. And I might mention the fault does not necessarily lie with a lack of trying – we all know good lovers love to please. However there are many sexually frustrated people out there and a lack of orgasmic accomplishment has a lot to do with it. More on that later.
First, let’s get back to the four-spot-method, something I’ve only recently learned thanks to a session spent boning up on a sexual phenomenon dubbed ‘ESR’.
What is ESR you ask?
Simply, it is Extended Sexual Response. It’s a female sexual response, it is a relatively rare response, and, importantly, it is a learned response. Essentially, ESR is a fancy way of saying the best sex you’re likely to have in your life. Women who have ESR are likely to have certain characteristics, and there are certain ways of helping achieve ESR. And the good news is it’s all linked to a body of research that shows men can orgasm better too (yes fellows, there’s more to it than a shudder and squirt).
According to the study that has, er, most recently aroused my excitement, ESR is preliminarily defined as “being able to attain long lasting and/or prolonged and/or multiple and/or sustained orgasms and/or status orgasmus that lasted longer and more intense than the classical orgasm patterns defined in the literature”.
And when I say sustained I mean orgasms that last anywhere up to, and over, 10-15 minutes.
How does that compare with the orgasms you enjoy, or the orgasms you’ve elicited?
If you can relate as a subject, then you’re probably a woman who exhibits some of the ten characteristics identified as ESR contributors such as a high libido, sensitive erogenous zones beyond the clitoris, regular masturbations and erotic fantasies, and strong pelvic floor muscles (who else is doing their Kegels now?). You may also be using some sex toys and sexual novelties, and have experienced sexuality with “very knowledgeable partners who can maintain sexual intercourse for more than 30 minutes or more in more than 50% of their sexual encounters.” (Yes please).
And if you’re relating as subjector, then you may be one of the aforementioned sexual partners, and so might also already be familiar with the four-spot method. (If that is you, I apologise. If it isn’t, or if you’d simply like a refresher, please read on).
The four-spot-method, as outlined in this research, is strongly aligned with the achievement of ESR and goes like this:
“The male partner uses his left hand’s second and third fingers to stimulate the G-Spot upward, fourth finger of the left hand is used to stimulate anus. The head is in between the legs of the woman to perform cunnilingus, which should be continued for at least 30 to 40 minutes, with up and down continuous movements of the tongue (1-3 Hz). The right hand should be stimulating the left nipple of the women. Thus anus, G-Spot, glans clitoris, nipples are stimulated at the same time until she reaches a series of orgasms, which may last for more than 2-5 minutes. In between these stimulations, rotating probe and vibrating vibes can be used to stimulate the deep vaginal erogenous zones (DVZ).”
... so in other words, the four-spots relates to multiple erogenous zones, and the method relates to, well, a lot of real hard work. Which begs questions about whether you’re likely to achieve ESR with anyone beyond a committed sexual partner, whether ESR is, y’know, really all that practical, and whether most women would actually feel comfortable being twisted and rubbed and fiddled with thus.
Practicality and partners aside, the question about comfort is an important one. Especially when you consider how often we’re told women struggle with orgasm, women struggle with their sexuality, women struggle with their bodies. There’s a great bout of dialogue in Chasing Amy (yes, I really did love that flick) between a straight guy and a lesbian lady about why it was so many women hate getting head – read: “because of the smell-thing!” And it’s a legitimate point to make, when you consider the very many, very strong social cues about how gross the natural functions of female bodies can be (see ‘vaginal discharge’, see ‘the male fear of menstruation’, see 'tightening cream’). I certainly can relate – it’s taken me quite some time to grow accustomed to the way things work, to set aside my squeamishness about the sounds and smells and sights involved with the pursuit of fleshy pleasure and just, well, freaking enjoying.
Which is probably why I think it’s important to briefly raise some recent science on sex and disgust in relation to this conversation (we've covered disgust before). For any woman or man who has ever felt inhibited by things they may consider to be ‘disgusting’, please read about this idea what is ‘gross’ may be less so in sex ... something we might want to consider in relation to my earlier point about orgasmic accomplishment.
But of course, orgasms aren’t the point of sex. We should note that sex is still just about making babies for some people. For others, it’s a nice way to be close to people you love, and minds don’t need to be blown every time. And some people use sex negatively – as a power tool, or as food for a deep insecurity. What’s important to remember is that sex is vast and complex, and it can be beautiful and it can be ugly.
It should always be consented to, and it should always be pleasurable, for both partners, at the very least.
I wonder, how many of us can say so much is true?
Do you enjoy a satisfying sex life? Do orgasms feature? Are you willing to work for your rewards, or do you think people take sex and so forth a little too seriously?