LIFE has been unkind to Philippa.
The 59-year-old Mildura woman has been used and abused over and over again.
Sexually assaulted as a toddler, unwanted sexual encounters and domestic violence have been recurring themes throughout Philippa’s life.
After falling pregnant as a result of rape when she was 11, Philippa’s life spiralled out of control.
While she lost her first child, Philippa fell pregnant to another man when she was 15.
The man, Joe, eventually married her, beating Philippa senseless and sexually abusing their children.
Philippa eventually escaped the marriage, only to fall into the arms of a man who had subjected her to violent rape.
Philippa shared her story with Sunraysia Daily this week with the aim of inspiring other sexual abuse victims to speak out.
“You don’t have to keep quiet,” she said. “No matter how dirty you’re made to feel, no matter how horrible it is, or if you’re worried you’re going to hurt someone else, you have to think of yourself.”
Raised by a prostitute who neglected her children, Philippa spent her childhood moving from town to town – her mother’s reputation following them wherever they went.
“Big Red was her name,” Philippa said. “We’ve all got different fathers.
“There were always men around and fighting.
“I had to sleep in the same room as her so it’s the mental torture, you’d be too scared to go to sleep.”
While Philippa believes she was fathered by her grandfather – her mother’s father – details are a little hazy.
“There’s a lot of controversy about the birth dates and what was not put down on the birth certificates.
“I’m very insecure, I don’t know where I belong.
“I don’t really know what my name is – I had a mother that gave birth to me, I had a father that bought me into this world but who they are or what they are I don’t know.
“A sense of identity? I just haven’t got it.”
One of Philippa’s earliest memories is of a man fondling her as he changed her clothes.
“I remember this man putting me up on the table dressing me, putting my clothes on and interfering with me,” she said.
“It turns out that must have been my father, according to my sister.
“I would’ve been just starting school, probably about five-years-old.”
Philippa also recalls being naked, curled up in a corner of a room, with a group of men masturbating over her.
“I had a mother but I don’t think of her as a mother.
She remembers a major turning point in their relationship.
“It was the day I started my period. I was 10.
“The male teacher must have noticed and he told me to go home.
“So I went home and here she is in bed with this young bloke old enough to be her son.
“She just said go and get a piece of rag, put it between your legs and get back to school.
“That was my introduction to womanhood.”
With a constant stream of men visiting Philippa’s childhood homes in Maryborough, Avoca, St Arnaud and Donald, both sexual and physical abuse ran rampant.
“There was one time when us kids were hiding in a hedge because this man had my mother up against the fireplace,” she said.
“He had an axe and he was going to kill her.”
While she gave birth to a child when she was 16, Philippa fell pregnant with her first child when she was just 11.
“My mother thought that I couldn’t have any kids because I’d gone down the street one day and these blokes conned me to go down the river with them and they raped me,” she said.
“I conceived a child out of that.’’
She said that at such a young age she was not even aware that she was pregnant.
“I didn’t know at the time but talking to the doctors and that, what happened was I was messing around with my sister.
“We were wrestling and I had this holy big pain.
“I ended up in Ballarat and I can remember them sucking all this stuff out and that was the end of that.”
Despite her unsavoury experiences with men, Philippa ended up marrying Joe, whom she fell pregnant to when she was 15.
Philippa still bears the emotional scars of domestic violence and believes Joe sexually assaulted their children.
“I’ve tried to protect the kids,” she said.
“I’ve allowed my body to be abused.
“Joe would always go off with other women, come home and I’d get a hiding for it all the time.
“He knocked me out and I ended up having to go to the hospital.
“I was in and out all the time.
“It was just constant.”
As if life hadn’t been hard enough, there was more in store for Philippa.
“Joe bought a bloke called Evan home and they abused me,” she said.
“They’d been to see that Deep Throat (a pornographic film).
“They’d been drinking and they put me on the table, undressed me, did things, things in the bedroom with bottles and different things.
“After that happened I tried to take my life.”
Seeking protection from her abusive relationship with Joe, Philippa ended up marrying Evan – the man who had so violently raped her.
“It was the security – by being with him Joe wouldn’t come near me,” she said.
In a twist of fate, Evan now suffers from dementia and receives daily care from Philippa.
She said it was a daily struggle to care for someone who had violated her body.
“It’s not easy, believe you me.
“It is just not fair.”
Just last year, Philippa tried to take her life, overdosing on medication.
“I’m mentally tired.
“I put it that I was a puppet and whoever pulled the strings that’s what I did.
“I felt like a mop that was so dirty you just had to dispose of it.
“I honestly felt that bad.”
Philippa receives counselling and is trying to put the past behind her.
“I can honestly say hate is something that I lived on for a long, long time,” she said. “It was food.”
But happiness remains a distant dream.
“People will say look to tomorrow.
“That would make me just want to disappear, to be honest.
“There’s no tomorrow.”
Encouraging other sexual assault victims to speak out, Philippa says abuse stole her life.
“It took away my innocence from the start.
“It took away my life.
“It took away my whole being as a human.
“You can imagine a bit of flyblown meat that’s so maggot-ridden.
“That’s how I honestly feel.
“It’s like a jigsaw puzzle – you can put it together but no matter what you do, the scars are still there.”
To report sexual abuse or domestic violence phone Mildura Police on 5018 5300.
The Mallee Sexual Assault Unit provides 24-hour crisis care and can be contacted on 5025 5400.
All names in this report have been changed.
This story appeared in Thursday’s Sunraysia Daily 9/9/2010.
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